Once again it seems that I find myself reaching for my laptop, feeling the urge to write about the thoughts that are swirling around in my head.
Whenever I feel myself begin to fade or go numb my brain kickstarts one of my (only) healthy coping mechanisms and encourages me to write about how I’m feeling. So here I am, sat in my University library, attempting to put down onto paper what it is I’m thinking right now. If I’m honest, I’m not entirely sure what’s going on in my mind.
I feel a little lost, but I’m hopeful to find myself again. They say if you right down your goals you’re 45% more likely to achieve them, but I won’t lie to myself by saying that this works for me; I tend to write down my goals to make myself feel better rather than actually achieve them. Nevertheless, I’ve written some things down about what I’d like to work on for the next year.
- Improve my French, I’m going abroad next year and Satan knows I need to get better at speaking French.
- Take up classes at the local gym; my doctor recommended Tai Chi?!
- Keep cross-stitching, I’m really enjoying it and I’d like to stick at it rather than dropping it when I lose motivation (like most of my hobbies).
- Practise mindfulness and positive energy. This one sounds a bit weird, but I’ve been doing a lot of research of crystals recently, and I think it would be nice to believe in something, especially since everything else around me makes it hard to do so.
I don’t know whether I’ll manage to do any of these things, but it’s nice to have a plan, something to motivate me and keep me grounded. I fear I’ll lose myself to my own thoughts if I don’t have some kind of distraction.
I realised I was dismissing so many parts of my life by focusing on the year after University, I was losing myself to the hope of a future. Although I will always have hope for 2022, I want to live in the present too, and allow myself to be my own person without desperately tying myself to the other end of a frayed piece of string.
I’ll try my best to keep you all updated, if anyone is even reading this right now.